imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silent Screams Silent ScreamsEverything is fucked. If you didn’t already know that, dear reader, I’m sorry to give away the surprise ending. But that’s pretty much the long and short of it. That is pretty much the single, all-encompassing lesson that life will teach you. I spend hours upon hours devoutly believing that my life is wonderful and that I’m okay. It’s the few minutes interspersed in those hours that have truly made my life suck lately. It’s those few minutes of nagging doubt somehow ruin everything that made you feel happy in the first place. I miss being touched. I miss it so much that it hurts. I have spent my entire life, up until the last few months, repressing a shit load of touchy-feely impulses. I love hugging and kissing and holding hands and all that sappy shit that makes life a little brighter. I love it, but it’s hard as hell to come by. So JW told me that everything was the same. Nothing has changed but the sex. The sex was good, but it’s not something to end my life over. It’s not a reason to give up on men. It’s not a reason to be bitter or to hate JW. Oh, but what a liar he is. Four of us get together for dinner – Babs, JW, JW’s drummer, and me. I wait outside to meet JW and Drummerboy. JW puts his arm around me briefly. We enter the building. I lead the way, so no one holds any doors open for me. (By the way, I don’t expect men to hold doors open for me. It’s just one of those nice things that JW will ALWAYS do. Always.) Babs and JW share a warm embrace. I spend a split second crying on the inside. We leave the building. JW holds the door open for Babs, walks through, and lets it slam in my face. We stop at a shop on the way to the restaurant. Again, JW holds the door open for Babs, follows her through, and I end up with a face full of glass. Not literally, but I would have if I didn’t have those pesky reflexes to stop things from striking me in the face. The same deal when we leave that building. The same thing happened at the restaurant. Then I was introduced to the awkwardness of seating. When Drummerboy and I approached the table, JW and Babs were already sitting on opposite sides. Who would sit where? Do we follow the normal trend of boy-girl seating? No. That would put JW and me beside each other. That simply won’t do. I quietly take my seat with Babs. Beyond that, I suppose the talk was pleasant and funny. He didn’t make any snide remarks about me. I didn’t cry at the table. But it was so different. He didn’t hold doors open for me. He wouldn’t hug me. He didn’t sit beside me. He didn’t kiss me goodnight. The only step closer to normal that I got was when he said, “G’night hon,” as I got out of the car. He won’t even say that when he gets off the phone with me now. So that was all sickeningly stupid. It’s pointless, really. We shouldn’t dwell on the past, etc. I guess that means it’s time to look at the future. I’m not specifically looking for another guy right now. I’m not going to do of loneliness in the next week or so. I’m still a little shell-shocked anyway, what with all the being pseudo-dumped for lame, lame reasons. For now, I’m just tired. I’m extremely tired, and I need a break. I need to sleep for a few days and then things might be better. A few days should be plenty of time for things to get better or go away. That’s the way I look at it. It’d be a wonderful plan if I had a home in which to sleep undisturbed for a couple days and if I was capable of sleeping without dreaming of what I don’t have. I just want to scream. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I don't deserve this. And I really want to scream at JW. I want to scream something to the effect of, "YOU SAID THE ONLY THING THAT CHANGED WAS THE SEX. DID YOU ONLY HUG ME BECAUSE OF THE SEX? DID YOU ONLY HOLD DOORS OPEN FOR ME BECAUSE OF THE SEX? DID YOU ONLY CALL ME AND TALK FOR HOURS BECAUSE OF THE SEX? DID YOU ONLY LIKE ME BECAUSE OF THE SEX? YOU KEEP SAYING NO, BUT YOU KEEP FUCKING LYING." I want to scream that as loudly as I can and for as long as I can, but instead I just keep it all in my head. For some reason, as vocal as I'm capable of being, I just keep all the legitimate complaints silent in my head. Music of the day: Everclear, "Everything to Everyone" 8:22 p.m. - March 06, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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