imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- moving MovingI've been pseudo-homeless for about a week now. From this experience, I'd like to give some advice to college students who may find themselves in similar circumstances. I guess to do that I'll begin with a brief summary of my exact circumstances. Saying circumstances twice within such a brief number of words seems like too many times. Ah! Now I've done it again. I'd best stop that. My roommate Babs and I have lived in domestic bliss for a few months. Then our lives were threatened (to an extent) within our own home. It wasn't really cool. We decided we should relocate. We began checking out the classifieds and generally keeping our eyes and ears open for any possible new homes. This went on for about a month. Then a few days before rent was due, Babs announced that she, for one, had found a place to stay and would be leaving. I could stay with her if absolutely necessary, but she wasn't about to pay another month's rent. I was a little distraught over this. I had an exceedingly brief period of time in which to find a new residence. This was also about three days after my messy pseudo-break up. Granted, that was only messy in that I cried a lot, rather messily. But still. So, I went a little nuts and sobbed on Xavier's shoulder. He is the best friend ever. He quickly used this magical "rational thought" concept to calm me. Then he volunteered to drive the 160 mile round trip to help me move my belongings into storage. He is one of the very few things that still casts some doubt on my multi-purpose, generalized atheism. So my things have been moved, but I don't really have a place to live. Orangey offered me a place on his couch if ever I truly needed it. I'm reluctant to accept his offer, however, as he already has someone living there in a rent-free mooching capacity. I don't want to be an added inconvenience. Another friend, whom I'll refer to as TCGE (The Coolest Girl Ever), offered her couch up as well. I feel less bad about accepting her offer, but still hesitant. The problem is, I can't stay with Babs. She makes snippy comments about me bringing clothes into the house, nags me for not folding and putting away things that she never told me she'd like folded and put away, and has taken to telling people all about how generous she is being by letting me stay with her. These people already like her more than me. They like her more, and they liked her first. Now she makes me seem bitchy and ungrateful. Pretty soon I doubt any of them will much like me. I'd miss Orangey and my Pretty Haired friend. I'd also miss JW. JW and I are on semi-good terms right now. We laugh and make jokes that aren't actually biting personal insults now. I think we're getting to be friends again. We're both getting over being hurt. But he has gotten to a place where he also prefers Babs's company to mine. My deepest fear is that If she and I part company, he'll still spend time with her and pretty much abandon me. Basically, I'm a big bundle of insecurities. My mother and I had an interesting conversation last night. I've come to realize that I rationalize other people's behavior. When any person that I like does something that hurts me, I pretend it didn't happen, or they didn't intend to do it, or I'm just overreacting. I figured that out, but I didn't really even think to wonder why I do that. Mom called that one for me. I'm ridiculously desperate for companionship. I spent my pre and early adolescence as an absolute bitch. I would fight, argue, and actually say things that I felt. I was brazen to the point of annoyance. And I was annoying. People didn't like me. I was too pushy and too violently devoted to my personal beliefs. One day I woke up to discover I was lonely. I jumped to the opposite extreme. I'm meek to the point of timidity and absolutely obliging. I voluntarily give up anything I have (from my limited time to my limited cash) for anyone who seems to need me. I live to make people like me. It doesn't work very well. So far I mostly just get trampled and taken advantage of. It sucks. I'm still opinionated, I'm just quiet about it. I don't try to make people see my point. I don't try to argue. I don't try to make people give me what they owe me. I make a particularly good doormat. Ugh. This isn't about to turn around and get uplifting or anything. I'm just going to stop now before it gets any worse. If you have any recommendations for regenerating my spine, let me know. Until then, I'll be sleeping on people's couches and living out of my car. 7:30 p.m. - March 13, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||