imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Learning to Love Myself Learning to Love MyselfWe all measure periods of our lives in different ways. The strangely organized of us keep scrapbooks. Writers keep journals. Some people measure their lives by the fads that have been born, faded out, and come back around. Some measure by movies, by television shows, by music, by art. We all connect with something specifically dateable and use it to measure our lives. I measure my life by friends. I've had some impressively good friends over the course of my life, many of which I've rambled on at length in this n'yah journal. It seems that each one is better than the last. At the same time, some of them seem to fade. Each one marks an era in my life. These periods often overlap. Some of them have come to a close. Some of them will never end. I've always measured my life in friends. I remember Ashley and Josh from my babysitter's. I had a crush on Josh and Ashley came to my fifth birthday party. Jessica, Andrew, and a girl named Tiffany were all apartment friends. And a boy named Shawn. I had nearly forgotten about him. I had a huge crush on him. When I started school, I found out he was the assistant principal's grandson. She loved me all through school. And I almost left out my best friend from that era. Anthony. He was actually slightly retarded. He was a sweet kid. He never did anything to hurt me, and that's saying a lot. When you're five, you're easily hurt. That was before I was too caught up in being a smart kid to care about anyone below a certain level of intelligence. It should never have made me so snotty. I'm not nearly as smart as I used to believe. Kindergarten was a great year. First grade gave me xStupidx and LaaLaa. They were both incredible friends. LaaLaa's little brother was my sister's friend when she started school. xStupidx and I have parted ways since, but he was fantastically kind to me at one time. He meant the world to me, really. In second grade I made a couple more lasting friends. Third grade was another milestone year, though. Xavier has been my one constant friend since then. He knows more about me than anyone in the world, up until about 10th grade. He's not quite as current on things related to me since that time, but he knows quite a few good stories. As far as I'm concerned, he's my brother. I'm glad he still talks to me. I picked up more friends through the years. High school gave me some great, if short-lived, friendships. Vars is a sweetheart. I haven't spoken to him in months. I really miss him. RaveBoy is an awesome person. He doesn't do so well with anything deep and meaningful, but I don't hold that against him. He was vulnerable and lonely when I met him. I apparently have a thing for vulnerable men. I fell for him pretty damn hard. I kind of wonder if he'll think of me the next time a girl drops him and he needs someone to make him feel worthwhile. I was damn good at that, even if he never really gave me any credit for it. He was fairly patient with my incessant fawning over him. I appreciate that much, at least. If Pat is the last true friend that I ever have, I will consider myself infinitely lucky. I noticed a trend earlier when I was hatching this entry in my head. Looking back, I realized that the things I loved most in all of my friends were the qualities that we shared. In each of those particular periods, I never realized that. I never knew that I loved Xavier's sense of humor because it was so much like mine. I never noticed that I loved RB's spontaneity because it let me show off mine. I never knew that all of xStupidx's dramatic emotional states were very much like mine. Pat is the epitome of this trend. I can't think of anything I dislike about him. I realized this morning what that means. I like a lot more things about myself than I ever knew. In quite a few ways, we reflect each other's better qualities. I fall for all my friends. It causes various and sundry complications in our relationships. So far, none of these problems have been insurmountable. But what I realized today makes me feel a little better about all of that. The things that I love and appreciate in all of them are things that I've never been able to see in myself. It's pretty damn stupid for me to be in love with Pat. I finally recognized, though, that if I can love him, then I can love myself. Practically every day that I've known Pat, he's assured me that I'm an incredible person. He tells me that nearly every day, but even when he doesn't, just talking to him tells me I am. We are very much alike. We have a scary tendency to think the same thoughts. We have a practically infinite number of similar likes and dislikes. Our interests run in the same lines. He has always struck me as unique and charming, and his perspective seems amazingly comfortable. I've never known anyone more composed and self-sufficient. He's just like me, and I think all that about him. Those thought processes always stayed seperate before. Combined, they indicate that I'm a pretty wonderful person. I've never said that about myself in my life, but it's true. This strikes me as another entry with a moral at the end. The point to this tale, children, is that we should never underestimate the power of friendship. There is a reason that we are drawn to the people that will support and sustain us throughout our lives. None of us are perfect. As remarkably self-sufficient as good old Pat is, I've seen him broken-hearted and miserable. I couldn't fix it, but I could let him know he wasn't alone. We all need someone to hold us when we cry. Don't forget about the people that are willing to do that. They are invaluable assets in our lives. My apologies to all the people I've used as sappy plot devices and examples in this self-indulgant dribble. Also, due to my current computer situation, I don't have any spell-checking capabilities. I've also lost my general knack since my days as spelling bee champ. I don't have the patience or time to get a dictionary. If I slaughtered something, just have a good laugh at my expense. 11:40 p.m. - June 12, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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