imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things Fall Apart Things Fall ApartI feel an incredible urge to burst into tears. Megan the magnificent, self-important, grandiose, pompous, arrogant, overly critical fucking English major/super writer is about to experience the most depressing failure of her adult life. I can write. By God, if nothing else, I can write. Unfortunately, it is an innate ability for me. Granted, I can exert a little energy and make my writing even better, but it's above par in its rough stages. WHO GIVES A FUCK? Who really cares how well I can write when I'm about to make a C in Lit and flunk out of honors because I'm too damnably lazy to succeed at the one thing I'm almost guaran-damn-teed to fucking succeed in? I've done the math. Unless my professor is directed by forces far more benevolent than any I believe in, I will make a C in Honors Western Lit. By making a C, I will have single-handedly fucked myself over. I won't be able to take seminar next fall, and I won't graduate with Honors in English. I cannot bring myself to tell My Fabulous First Year English Teacher or the Koolest Girl Ever, both of whom are my Englishy role models. I think I'll just wait until I'm absolutely certain of my failure, then send them long notes of apology for my stupidity and crawl into a dark hole to die. I personally admonished the entire damn campus just over a week ago for sinking into utter apathy. Add hypocrite to that list of bad things that I am from earlier. Currently, I hate myself in all of my self-indulgent glory. Generally speaking, I really don't care about my GPA. I'm not obsessive about grades. But this is an English class. Not only that, it's an English class I could have had an A in if I had simply done all the assignments and turned them in on time. THAT'S ALL IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN. I did not put tons of effort into anything I did, and everything I did either got an A, or would have if I hadn't been penalized for lateness. Fuck. And so I guess I'm ending my semester as I've ended most of them. I'll sink into a terrible depression that none of my friends will understand. They'll all get tired of my whiney bullshit. They'll eventually abandon me, pushing me into an even deeper depression. I'm totally looking forward to this summer. Can you tell? On the bright side, I might have found a job and I just maybe maybe maybe might have found a new roommate who has possibly found a place for us to live. Back to the shitty side, I'm quite concerned that one of my friends will just up and move some morning soon and I'll never hear from him again. Beyond that, if he's made up his mind, nothing anyone (even someone he actually cares for as opposed to me) could say will change it. Life needs to be pleasant again for a while. It really would be wonderful if we could grow and learn by having a lot of sex and eating ice cream. 12:38 p.m. - April 29, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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