imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disappointed DisappointedA friend of mine (and incredibly cool person) was discussing live journals/ web diaries the other day. We agreed that the best entries come from being depressed or frustrated. This is a good entry. I've had a very good weekend, but it's also been terribly frustrating. I can see a million ways in which it could have been better. Well, maybe not a million, but quit being a smartass. You get the damn point. Weekends are a time to stay out late and drink and have fun with anybody you can find. I can stay out until about 10, give or take a few minutes. I was at a crazy party last night with a ton of very funny, very nice, very cute, very drunk people. I had to leave at 10. I've heard stories all about the things I've missed all day today. Sorry, guys, I had to run home and put my employer to bed. I would say I'd stay longer next time, but that's a fucking lie. But just give me a month. One month and I'll be ready for all the trouble I can get myself into. I want to live a sloppy, messy, college life. I want to pretend I'm not too smart to be doing stupid things. I'm also sick of being everyone's favorite female friend. Do you people not realize that I've never been a girlfriend? Don't you know how much I want to try that one out for a while? Why can't you realize that crying on my shoulder just destroys me? I mean, if I have to be a total bitch to get some action, I'll do it. I'm about to start carrying signs that say "Open only for kissing, no bitching about your crappy life." Why? Because my fucking life is crappy enough. This week is mine, thank you very much. I'll get back to giving a shit about other people someday soon, I'm sure. But for now, I can't. I can't handle anymore being around boys that respect me and enjoy my company, but would never even consider dating me. I have a very orange friend. I think I'll call him Orangey, just cause I'm lazy/uninspired tonight. And he dislikes being called The Flame. So Orangey said something about what a great guy friend he apparently is. He said it with pretty much the exact same bitter inflection I would use talking about the same kind of thing. So we're two people who are tired of not being more significant in people's lives. You'd think this could turn out well. But it can't. In the same conversation he said that a girl was cute (who was about a quarter my size, making her about a sixth his size), but she was a little cross-eyed. He then admitted that he is fairly shallow. I pointed out that everyone is, to a certain extent. And then I lurched very suddenly into this very deep depression. I think I know why. I think I hate why. I think I don't want to go through why all over again with another person that's just going to tell me I'm a wonderful female friend. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. I'll probably do it wrong, as always, but I'll do it all the same. I hate this shit. This was a beautiful weekend at face value. If I were shallow enough, it would have been wonderful, I guess. I'll have to work on that. 12:05 a.m. - September 20, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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