imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Confessions ConfessionsI know someone who has a confession to make. He won't ever make it, but I know anyway. I don't think that means it doesn't matter. I still think the act of confession is important. For one thing, it would give me an opportunity to scream at him. JW is not as pure and wonderful as I might have thought him to be. Granted, I didn't really think him "pure." I thought he was pure in intent. I truly believed that he had no intentions of hurting me and that he would never lie to me. I now doubt both beliefs. Before I had sex with him, I asked him how many people he had slept with. I just wanted to know. The number truly did not matter, because I knew it was all very safe sex anyway. I just wanted to know. He had absolutely no reason to lie. To this day I believed he hadn't. He had. I actually make number five on his list. He's maybe even had sex with the number four that I was unaware of since he began sleeping with me. At one point in time I asked him if he was having sex with anyone else while he was involved with me. He replied that he was not. I asked about oral sex. He assured me he had not with anyone else. He got head from two other girls while he was sleeping with me. Honestly, that bothers me more than if he had slept with them. See, people generally don't use condoms for such things. At least if he'd been fucking girls behind my back it would have been protected. He'll never tell me this. He'll possibly never speak to me again anyway. He doesn't even know that I've been told any of this. Actually, it's possible that he will tell me. I know all this through my still wonderful friend Babs. Despite any problems she and I have had recently, she still loves me. He still talks to her. He told her all of this and she told me. She intends to tell him that she will tell me if he doesn't. So I guess he still has a chance to come clean. Fuck that. He doesn't have a chance to come clean, but he can at least try. I hate how much I let him upset me. I said something hurtful to him. I know that. He maintains that what I said is the entire reason we're not together. Fucking horseshit. It was an excuse, and I let him use it because I didn't know any better. I cried for a solid fucking week because I hated so much that I had hurt him. I did all that, and he had lied to me since he'd known me. He just wanted a reason to drop me. I gave it to him. Having said all that, I really don't want to be bitter. I hate the idea of being bitter about the first person I slept with. I suppose that's part of the saving sex for marriage concept, but even this isn't converting me to that idea. I truly believe that JW was a wonderful person at one point in his life. Some of that remains. I just with I had known him back then. When we first discussed having sex, he was extremely concerned that he might hurt me. He told me a million times that he was scared to death that he'd hurt me and I'd cry. He told me that I could tell him to stop at anytime. It hurts. I'm crying. Stop. 12:21 a.m. - March 19, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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