imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- True Confessions of a College Girl True Confessions of a College GirlThat sounds like the kind of title that should be followed by something shockingly sexual. I wouldn't disappoint my readers by sensationalizing titles, now, would I? When my Dear Orange Companion gets home, he probably won't notice the ever so slightly darker purple splotches on the pillowcase. Okay, I know I'm about to talk about sex, but you don't have to assume the pillowcase is coated in that. Geez. Pervert. Nope. There are three perfectly round, different sized dots. They aren't anything special. Salt water. Just tears. He probably won't notice, and if he does he won't automatically think, "Who's been lying in my bed crying?" He'll just think it's about time he washed his damn sheets. Which it is. I mean, c'mon. It's been quite a while. So, why was I lying in Orangey's bed crying? Well, lots of reasons. Mostly just cause I'm a girl. I'm an overly emotional girl. I usually just try to keep all of the emotions other than anger hidden. Which leads to me randomly bursting into tears. For one thing, I'm leaving. I get to pack my few things and leave town. I'll be at the old homestead for the summer. It's a little sad. I'm going to miss everyone a lot more than they might realize. For another, I came to an interesting realization. Interesting, and maybe a little sad. Or maybe just perfectly normal. Who knows? Not me, that's for sure. Some people (by which I probaby mean a person) have accused me of liking giving head. Hell, not just liking it, but wanting to do it. Going out of my way to do it. I fervently deny this. I don't know that I should be so fervent. Here is a secret that no one, to this point, knows, and that few people, if anyone, want to know. I do enjoy it. And now, I think I know at least a few of the reasons behind that. When I first figured out that I like it, I came up with the obvious reason. Power. And don't tell me it's not powerful. Yes, you're on your knees and you're submitting to something not extremely comfortable, but in that submission there's some degree of power. More importantly, if you can reduce a man to curling up and trembling for several minutes, well, how is that not powerful? I'd like to think that guys get hot making girls get off, too. I mean, as a straight chick, I'm willing to admit that having a dick does mean I'm a little more likely to do things for you. Granted, not all women are like that, and a good stalwart feminist would probably slap me for it, but for me, it's true. Sex, in all of its various forms, equals power. Period. Male or female. So if you're good at it, or at a specific facet of it, you have that much extra power. Let's just say I can hold my own. I'm not particularly weak. Second reason, then. I think (and this is in no way founded on anything other than what I think) that I'm a lousy lay. Well, not that great anyway. So if I give fantastic head, then it kind of makes up for it I guess. This is one of my weakest reasons for liking it, but it's still a reason. I'd like to keep the playing field fairly even. So I make up for the complete lack of anything fun, interesting, or vaguely worth getting hard over in the sex department with my mouth. So sue me. The part that I found worthy of tears earlier is coming up. I realized this morning that there's another reason. See, I'm a little attention hungry. I don't demand to be the center of attention. I'm not one of those people who requires that everyone be entirely focused on me when I'm around. But still, I like to be noticed every once in a while. When I'm feeling particularly down, I don't think anyone notices me in the slightest. Or maybe that's why I feel down. I'm not sure which comes first, the depression, or the feeling invisible. But here's the thing. If I have someone's dick in my mouth, they're bound to notice. Ask any guy. I don't think anyone has ever slept through a blow job. You pretty much have someone's attention at that point. Hell, they can try to do something else, but from what I understand it takes a good deal of effort. And I'm not willing to share that attention. I (so far) won't suck a guy's dick while he's driving or while he's on the phone simply because that means I'm not getting all the attention. If you're in any way good at what you're doing, then for at least that few seconds when he's getting off (or maybe a few minutes, depending on circumstances and such), you are the absolute center of the universe. Also, it's one of my last creative outlets. Other than writing, I'm not all that talented at anything. Sadly, the only other thing I'm vaguely capable of being creative with is giving head. That part makes me sad. And the part about doing it for attention makes me a little sad too. But at the same time, I think it's normal. I think that anyone who has sex for non-romantic reasons, if they are absolutely honest with themselves, some where along the line does it for attention. It's about feeling. It's selfish no matter how you look at it. Unless you absolutely do not get off, it's a selfish act. Maybe that's why I cried. It's all just selfish. But in reality, what's wrong with that? Afterall, I believe that nothing we do matters in the long-term, big picture sense. So if nothing we do matters, the only thing that matters is what we do. I don't do anything that hurts anyone else. To the contrary, on the giving head count, the only person who has had the pleasure has no complaints whatsoever. I do a lot of other selfless things for selfish reasons. I do it for me, but it makes a difference to other people. I don't know why I'm writing this on the fucking internet. I apparently enjoy the idea of people reading this shit and wishing they knew me, or reading this shit and wishing they could say they didn't know me. As long as they read it. Wow. I'm really just rambling now. Anyway, I'm off for my home town. If anyone needs me and know my name, google me. My number and address are on the fabulous internet as well. Or email me! Geez people, this is a glorious age of technology! Use it! Click the little email link at the top! Or, hell, I'll just tell you my email address, straight up, in case you're too non-computer savvy to figure it out. It's sunny days and rain at gmail dot com. Of course there are no spaces, the at is an at sign, and the dot is actually a period. If you can't figure that out, I pity you. I love and will miss all the wonderful friends I made this school year. I hope none of you forget me over the summer. Especially the one that will be busy enough doing other women that he might forget all the curling up and shuddering. (That was meant in a good-natured teasing kind of way.) Kisses, to everyone. 3:00 p.m. - May 16, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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