imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What a Bitch What a BitchIn high school, I spent a good deal of time disliking a lot of people. Yeah, I know that's a normal teenage kind of thing, but there was a specific reason I disliked so many of these people that I'd like to discuss this evening. I was never particularly a popular kid in school. I imagine I've mentioned this in the past. I had a tiny, close-knit group of friends, and that was about it. I was generally afraid to wander too far outside of the circle unless I was just tagging along with one of the more popular circle-folk. My general problem involved a lot of me being ignored by everyone else. Even within my clique, it was pretty easy for people to forget my existence. When I spoke, people typically didn't notice. I hated that. I hated that I could try 15 times to start up a conversation, and no one noticed. Things went on around me without paying much attention to my presence. It sucked. Well, there's a problem. Maybe we could say that it stems from all that high school experience. Maybe, just maybe, I became so accustomed to the world carrying on without noticing me, that I stopped paying attention to the world. I hope that's the problem, because it'd be nice to have some kind of excuse for my behavior of late. College has changed a lot of things for me. Most of these are small things that fall into the same patterns I've always followed, but it still makes a difference. For example, I still have a tiny circle of people with whom I am willing to associate. The entire circle has changed though, and that has made a world of difference. I still have one eerily close best friend with whom I spend all kinds of inordinate amounts of time, but it's a new, different, immensely better friend (sorry whoever happened to hold that position previously, but it's mostly true). College has also somehow caused a lot more people to notice and even speak to me. In high school, I often became rather flustered on the rare occasions that people did acknowledge me. If someone were to say, "Hello!" I would respond by smiling vaguely and wandering away. It was a perfectly acceptable response, because no one really meant to say hello to me. They probably felt obligated to say something because I was chatting with one of my people that this outsider wanted to speak to. This behavior carried over into the early parts of college. The thing is, I had to modify my behavior. I had to begin carefully training myself to smile perkily and say "Hi! How are you?" or "Hey, how's it goin'?" There were just so many people speaking to me all of a sudden that I had to learn to be decently polite. Even that changed, though. Somehow I've become completely self-absorbed. Maybe I always was, and it just didn't matter because no one had cause to interact with me. Mostly, this whole, long, excessively wordy post boils down to an apology for something fairly inexcusable that I've done several times lately. Earlier today I walked up to someone I like, someone I generally acknowledge and enjoy talking to. He says hello. I have absolutely no recollection of it happening. None. I completely ignored him. I somehow blocked this shit from my conscious. And of course, I didn't say a word in response. I simply launched into some random bitchy discourse. I never bothered to spend the three seconds it would have required to acknowledge his presence. I'm a fucking bitch. That's what I've somehow become. I'm one of those bitchy people from high school. I completely ignored the poor guy and carried on with my personal agenda of whining. I didn't even have the false courtesy to say hello because he was standing by someone I wanted to talk to. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I didn't even come to this realization on my own. Someone else had to point out what a snobby, uppity, egotistic, inattentive bitch I was. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I really have tied myself in all kinds of uncomfortable knots over this. I'm not about to just let this shit slide. I'm sorry that I've turned out like this. I'm sorry that I even have this capacity for trivializing people. I'm sorry that I did this today, and I'm sorry for the past several instances in which I've behaved so poorly. My final apology is to you, dear reader(s). I apologize that this is the manner in which I return to journalizing after my short, vacation-related hiatus. I'll attempt to throw something more entertaining, or at least pertinent, together when next I update. I just feel that I've done something fairly low, and I want to somehow make up for it. Too bad poorly-written journal entries mostly fail to pass as meaningful restitution. 9:22 p.m. - April 02, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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