imwithjonas's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Freshman Year, As Told by Ben As Told By Benor I figure it's time to recap my freshman year. It's been by turns exciting and terrifying. But in my opinion, I've made the best of it. So, here's the last nine months of my life, lyrically illustrated by the fabulous Ben Folds. I wish it was last September School began in a dazed rush. I rushed to pack my junk; I rushed to move into the dorms; I rushed to unpack all the junk. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was rushing into, but I figured I should just jump in head first and see what would happen. I think it was a decent plan. I did a lot of wandering around unnoticed and unacknowledged. In classes I was just another person. I didn’t have my high school reputation as a genius. I could just blend in and be along my merry way, said way involving a lot of watching TV and allegedly crying in dark corners of my room. And I hope you find some time to drop a note When I left for beautiful 80MAU, I had a handful of incredible friends. We had all made various pacts along the lines of “We’ll still hang out, no matter what.” Lies. We all got lost in our separate lives. My life was just exceptionally uneventful, so I spent a good deal of time mourning what once was. I missed my friends. But they were pretty much gone. We still talk every once in a while, but it’s not the same. Things change, and people grow apart. I never wanted to believe it. I planned to be an exception. That plan didn’t go so well. But I don’t believe in god I lost my faith. I was once a stalwart Mormon. That had been kind of failing over the past year. At this particular point last fall, I finally quit lying to myself. I still called myself a Mormon, but I knew that I didn’t believe in God anymore, much less the strict dumb ass-ery of religion. It was a fantastically depressing time for me. I felt that not believing in God was a bad thing. I felt like life was a little pointless without some kind of great deity watching over me and judging my every action, thought and word. That changed over time. And so I went home for Christmas break. I was still mostly friendless, but things were looking up. Mad (oft referred to as The Virgin Mary) had made some vague attempts to befriend me. He was a really nice guy. We managed to stay awake through the entirety of the Honors English Movie Night. I ditched a folk singing thing and went to a Christmas Concert with Pat. He was cute and hilarious and had a pleasant singing voice. That was about it as social activities went. I was lonely. I just wanted someone to wander by and suddenly be a good friend. I figured I could just wait around for it to happen. Alice, the world I had a short-lived religious revival. I got over it, but ditched my former depression. Life is actually much more worth living when you don’t have some kind of religious devotion. I had thought there wasn’t a point in living if there wasn’t a God to reward me for doing good. But good and evil are all part of humanity. Every action has consequences. It doesn’t have to do with divine justice. People have the only true power to get what they want. There are no heavenly rewards, but there are no punishments either. Ugh, this is all getting deeply philosophical. Let’s just say I was happy that I didn’t believe in God. I still am. Will you never rest? I found my friends. All it took was an all night drive across the state. All it took was singing Fountains of Wayne’s “Leave the Biker” a good 30 times. All it took was being myself for once. Pat and Mad were awesome. Apparently Pat and I got along a little too well, because Mad kind of stopped interacting with us at that point. But I wasn’t alone anymore. I talked to more people than I’d spoken to in the entire previous semester. Pat thoroughly introduced me to Ben on one of our late night drives. Ironically enough, it happened on the same road we would later take to see our hero in person. Ah, Ben. I see that there is evil I finally ditched religion entirely. I found an interesting and amazingly worthwhile cause. I developed, practiced and preached my personal “Things get better, or they go away,” philosophy. Life finally became truly good. There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you My song. My life. My entire freshman year in four perfect lines. At least I’m finally sure of who I am. I’m still learning to live with it. I will be for a good long while. Goodnight, goodnight sweet baby Last night my best friend and I saw Ben Folds. It was a 12 hour round trip. We fought, laughed, and nearly died several times. I had a panic attack. I had one of my migraine-like headaches. I nearly threw up and probably did cry. Every single minute of that trip was worth it. Ben Folds touched me. I should at some point have photographic evidence. He spoke to me; Pat spoke to him. The concert was truly amazing. For all the smack I talk about faith and church, that was a religious experience. Heh. I ditched a final to go to a Ben Folds concert. He was cute and hilarious and had a pleasant singing voice. Can I be his friend now, too? Ben is my hero. He was absolutely amazing, and my life is a little closer to complete now. Sure, I’ve still got finals to take, but fuck finals. School is over. I’m in a beautiful, happy place. Ben Folds touched me! Last night was the perfect end to a magnificent school year. Religion fucked up a lot of things, but it went away. Friends went away, and then my social life got better. This wasn’t just a cheap ploy to quote a lot of fucking amazing Ben Folds songs. This year meant a lot to me. Ben means a lot to me. Music has a great healing power not to be taken for granted. Yet again, I find myself thanking Pat. He gave me Ben, and this concert, and enough love and hope to get me through the tough parts of the last few months. Next items on the Master To Do List: Above items can occur simultaneously or be mutually exclusive. Also, the lyrics are all from Ben Folds and Ben Folds Five songs. In order of appearance, the songs are: Emaline, Gone, Mess, Annie Waits, Alice Childress, Battle of Who Could Care Less, Philosophy, Learn to Live With What You Are, Lullabye. All lyrics are the copyrighted properties of their respective artist and publishing company, and are being used for educational purposes only. Blah blah blah legalcakes. 4:13 p.m. - May 08, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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